Alcohol, Baby, Cheesecake, Handcuffs, Alarm
by Sgt.Pepperony
Summary: Humour/Friendship chapters based on word prompts in the title. Pinkie swears and bailing out of jail is always the best foundation for strange friendships. So is losing a baby, making cheesecake, getting caught in compromising situations and taking the rap for something you did not do. *Complete*
1. Alcohol

**Title: **Alcohol, Baby, Cheesecake, Handcuffs, Alarm  
><strong>Author:<strong> Sgt. Pepperony  
><strong>Fandom: <strong>Avengers (MCU)  
><strong>Rating:<strong> T  
><strong>Disclaimer: <strong>I do not own the Avengers, characters.

**Just some throw away comedy story centred on Tony and Wanda's volatile friendship. Contrary to what their friends think, they do actually care for each other but end up in weird situations. Prompts are the five words in the title. Firstly alcohol. **

The last thing Tony Stark expected to be woken up to in the middle of the night was a phone call from the police station. Pepper was still fast asleep on the other side of the bed so it was up to him to answer the phone.

"You better have a good reason to disturb the little sleep I have received," he whispered into the receiver.

"Mr Stark. We have someone claiming to be your daughter. Goes by the name Wanda." The surge of horror had mostly disappeared from inside Tony, though the horror of wondering how Wanda - of all people - had gotten locked in jail. "She just needs bail posted."

"Which jail?" he sighed pulling the covers off.

-o-

"Stark, Daddy is here to post your bail," the officer said patronisingly opening the door to allow Wanda out of the group cell.

"Hi _Daddy_," Wanda said walking out.

"Don't Daddy me, we are going to have a serious talk when we get home young lady," Tony responded, partly playing along but he really did need to have a serious talk with her.

When they got to the car Tony did not start the car until Wanda offered up an explanation, "Some jerk was trying to come onto me so I smashed his head in with a glass as he could not take no for an answer."

"Are you drunk?"

"And I may have tried to drive home while being slightly over the legal limit. I was too pissed off to even care."

"Right, seeing as you have dragged me up, I am starving. We need to find a diner somewhere."

"I'm not hungry."

"You dragged me up at half one in the morning. You are getting something to eat."

"Fine whatever."

"Seriously what the hell Wanda? I expected better from you."

"Whoa, I know we lied in there but you are not my father. I'm a grown woman and I know for a fact you have done worse things than I have."

"Yeah, I am not exactly proud of those things."

"I'm not exactly proud of this you know."

"Who were you with?"

"Oh are we in a relationship now? Shall I inform your partner Pepper about this?"

"I am asking because I need to know who was looking after you."

"Why?"

"To give them a piece of my mind."

"Does it even matter?"

"Yes."

"Just some friends from my community college."

"Some friends." As much as Pepper, Rhodey, Steve and Bruce kept going at him, he at least knew they cared.

"I never said we were close."

-o-

In the diner, Tony had ordered a bacon burger while Wanda had just gotten the fries. Since the argument in the car, it had been silent between the two, though a question had been on Tony's mind.

"Why did you tell them to call me specifically and not Pepper?"

"I thought I would get less judgement from you."

"Pepper has seen enough of my dumbass mistakes not to judge anyone else."

"I was wrong that you would not judge me though."

"I'm not judging you. I just thought you were smart enough not to land yourself in jail."

"Well, I thought men were smart enough to understand the word no."

"Two billion years of ingrained misogyny and male entitlement does that."

"Wow, I never imagined you would be that much of a feminist."

"I give money to women's charities. Does your brother know where you are?"

"I said I was going out with friends."

"And he said fine?"

"Well, I have told him that he should be less over protective and that I am a grown woman. Funnily enough it was pretty much the exact same conversation we had in the car."

"Well, I am not driving all the way to Albany at this time of the night. You can come back to the Tower."

"How would you explain it to Pepper?"

"You and Road Runner had a fight. Needed somewhere to crash."

"Sounds reasonable. This will be the only time though so don't expect these late night diner trips."

"You can call me whenever you want if you need help as long as it is not something dumb."

"Define dumb?"

"Which dress you should wear. Why is the sky blue. Can you read me a story."

"Okay I got your point. Are you sure? I mean you and I are not exactly what I would call close. I only called you because you were the nearest."

"I just thought I could offer more help to friends in need."

"Okay but you have to pinkie swear on it," Wanda said holding out her little finger.

"What are we five?"

"Pinkie swears have more value than contracts nowadays. Unless you want to draw up a contract right here and now."

"Okay, pinkie swear." Wanda smiled as she and Tony shook their pinkies. "Are we really sealing the deal of friendship on a pinkie swear."

"As I said, do you really want to spend the rest of the night drawing up a fully written contract?"

"No but sleep does sound good. Though I am wondering why you landed on father for a lie?"

"In my head it seemed the most logical."

"You nearly gave me a heart attack."

"Oh like you never have thought about the possibility of accidently siring a child."

**Speaking of which the next prompt is baby (as you can see in the title).**


	2. Baby

Chapter Two

"Which milk was I supposed to get?" Tony thought looking at the rows of cartons. "Definitely not strawberry though. That I remember."

"For crying out loud Stark, I thought I was supposed to be helping you pick out a suit for tomorrows benefit," Wanda said pushing the stroller in a bid to get her niece Luna to sleep.

"Pepper said I had to get milk."

"Can we get the milk later, I can only look after one child at a time."

"Are you calling me a child?"

"Bit slow on the uptake there. It's two percent she wants."

"Are you sure?"

"No but the suit is more important." Wanda moved around the stroller and grabbed the milk. "There now can we pay and get to the tuxedo place?"

"Yes." The pair began to walk away continuing their conversation. "So how does it feel to be engaged?"

"Okay, I suppose. You don't really feel much like a grownup. Maybe when I have a child I will feel more like a grownup."

"I keep telling myself that."

"You have been engaged for three years so I am not expecting much."

-o-

"So how much of this wedding preparation have you actually contributed then?" Wanda asked sipping her chocolate frappe.

"I provided the engagement ring."

"Such great input."

Tony shrugged and sipped his coffee, "Tell you what, if babies were as quiet as Luna I might have considered having one sooner."

"She's probably – Not here."

"Huh?"

"The stroller; I'm sure I had it right here."

"Wait, did we walk into this coffee shop with the stroller?"

"I … O doamme."

-o-

"How could we have not noticed that she was missing?" asked Wanda for probably the tenth time since they got Luna from the supermarket. Now they were in a Gucci store on Madison Lane so Tony could try out the suits. Wanda had not stopped holding Luna, mainly in fear of leaving her behind again.

"It could be worse. You could have left her on a bus and then get confused as to which baby is her because some other idiot left their kid on a bus," Tony replied from inside the changing room.

"Isn't that an episode of F.R.I.E.N.D.S?"

"It is repeated a lot so I have the episode implanted in my head."

"How could we be so negligent?"

"If you makes you better, I could tell you the time that my father left me in the middle of the Cinderella Castle in Disney World when I was about six."

"Isn't that just the whole story?"

"Well, my father did feel really bad about it so took me out for ice cream."

"I thought he was a cold-ass workaholic."

"He was but he doesn't mean he could never feel bad for leaving his only child in the middle of a crowed amusement park. It was the only real indication to me that he did care."

"Well, we are not telling my brother about this."

"Of course we are not telling him. He's immediately point the blame at me."

"She's my niece and I left her in the middle of the milk aisle in a supermarket. If he finds out I doubt he'll forgive."

"Of course he will forgive you. One: you are his sister. Two: All you need to do is do use those big expressive eyes of yours. Three: You clearly care that you lost her."

"_We_ did not lose Luna. We _forgot_ her." Tony sighed and slid the curtain aside to show her the black suit. "I think I preferred the grey."

"Grey it is then."

"Maybe we could try the navy, just to see."

"Are you worried that you are going to be a terrible mother and that is why you are freaking out? Wait, you are not pregnant are you?"

"No. I'm not pregnant."

"Well as I said, you clearly care that we left Luna in the store. There are worst people out there than those who make a stupid mistake."

Wanda half-smiled, "Thanks Tony. In all seriousness though, try the navy. I think it might look good."


	3. Cheesecake

Chapter Three

"Oh my god, what have you done to the kitchen?" Wanda asked coming into the kitchen of the Avengers Tower only to find the sides covered in what looked to be cream cheese.

"Okay so you know how the house in Malibu got blown up because I thought it would be a smart idea to give a terrorist my home address?"

"Right?"

"Well, among the stuff that got destroyed was a recipe for this chocolate hazelnut cheesecake that belonged to Pepper's grandmother. I have been trying to replicate it."

"Doesn't JARVIS have a store of all your valuable documents?"

"Yes, but I do not have that recipe in my database Miss Maximoff," JARVIS answered.

"I can remember some vague details like the amount of biscuits I need to put in the base and the amount of cream cheese I have to put on. The problem is that I have no idea how to get chocolate hazelnuts into the actual thing."

"Are you sure it is not just Nutella®?"

"I'm sure."

"Okay, relax. We'll figure it out."

"How?"

"I don't know, I can barely make a batch of cupcakes without making a mess."

"We could make smaller versions to see which one jogs my memory."

"Do I have to help?" Wanda asked with a face that pretty much said that this was going to suck.

-o-

Five mini cheesecakes later and they did not take right. The closest they had gotten was the small hint of chocolate hazelnuts in the crust but it did not taste quite right.

"Okay, should we at least try the Nutella®?" Wanda asked starting to feel a little ill from snacking on the chocolate.

"Why would Pepper's grandmother use Nutella®?"

"It would be so much simpler than what we have been doing for the last five hours. I have better things to be doing than this."

"Really?"

"Yes. Can we at least try?"

"Fine but I do now know we have any."

"You mean that giant fourteen ounce jar in the cupboard?"

"I do not know what you are talking about."

"JARVIS, does Tony have a secret stash of Nutella® in the cupboard no one is allowed to go in?"

"Yes Miss Maximoff."

"Cheers J," Tony commented dryly.

"Sir, I do believe that Miss Maximoff may have a point. I vaguely recall Ms Potts having Nutella® on hand once when making the cheesecake you are attempting to recreate."

"Thank you J," said Wanda with a smirk.

"You're welcome."

"Fine, you win."

"I always win Mr Stark. Do we need a repeat of what happened in that poker game between you, Thor and I?"

"I swear you used your freaky voodoo to wave that game in your favour."

It took making three more mini cheesecakes before Tony finally found the combination that his taste buds recognised: Nutella® in the crust with added hazelnuts and in the cream cheese.

"Oh god this is good," Wanda moaned.

"Now we have to make the whole cheesecake."

Wanda observed the mess around the kitchen, "Really? I think the majority of the ingredients are gone."

"We could just eat the Nutella® out of the jar. It pretty much has the same effect."

"Are you actually saying that what we have done for the last few hours has been pointless?"

"No, because JARVIS actually has the recipe now."

"Did we actually produce something edible?"

"I would be shocked if it was not so simple to make."

"You've seen your omelettes right?"

"It is a lot more complicated than it looks."

"Graduated from MIT at sixteen and you cannot even make a simple egg dish."

"Hey, I at least have not managed to get a batch of brownies on the ceiling."

"No but somehow you managed to get pancakes to stay on the ceiling for two days."


	4. Handcuffs

Chapter Four

"Pepper, I think I need to go home. The morning sick-" Wanda quickly stopped her sentence when she found Tony in the chair, with his shirt unbuttoned. "Please tell me you are wearing underwear."

"I am. Trust me when I say it gets weirder," Tony held up his right arm that was handcuffed to one of the draws on the desk.

"I've seen weirder things on _Game of Thrones_. How did you get yourself in this situation?"

"I really want to save the little dignity I have left."

"JARVIS?"

"Mute," Tony interrupted before JARVIS could answer.

"You are no fun."

"I'm handcuffed to a desk in just my boxers and shirt and the assistant has just found me. I'm trying to find the fun in this situation."

"Are you telling me this never happened before you and Pepper got together?"

"Well, there may have been the odd woman but with no handcuffs. I never thought Pepper would be into this stuff."

"I don't know. She does have that whole high-strung dressage pony thing." Tony gave her a look that almost looked horrified. "I'm just joking."

"Right, can you let me out of this?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because Pepper will know it was me who let you out."

"Of course she won't."

"Yeah, she is really going to think you have gotten out of this yourself?"

"I'm a genius. I can get myself out of this." Wanda sighed and sat in the chair in front of the desk. "What are you doing?"

"I'm not feeling well and I was going to go home. However, watching your trying to get yourself out of handcuffs seems more entertaining."

"So you are going to pass your bacteria onto me. Cheers Sabrina." Tony had promised not to make up nicknames for Wanda years before, but that went out the window.

"It's not that kind of aliment so don't worry about it."

"Can you at least lend me a hair pin or something?"

"I do not have one on my person."

"You just like watching me suffer, don't you?" Wanda just smirked in response. "I don't where you have gotten your mean streak from. I bet Romanoff."

"Not quite. Clint and I had a habit of doing this when we bartered over fighting techniques. You do not think I picked up the sarcasm from you do you?"

"It would not shock me."

"JARVIS, can you tell me when Pepper is on her way back?"

"Certainly."

"What?" asked Tony.

"I would like some time to get out of here before she comes back and finishes whatever this is," Wanda explained using a circular motion with her hand on the word this.

"You really want an explanation for this don't you?"

"I think I may have a clear idea what happened. I just wanted it do come from the horse's mouth so to speak."

"Am I the horse?"

"Well, it does add to the term pony-play."

"She only brought out the handcuffs to keep me locked in here while she was at a meeting."

"Also adds to the term cock-blocking."

"So… I don't suppose you and Rogers have any kinks."

"Hmmm…. Those fingerless gloves on the Captain America suit. More me than him. Actually just me."

"Doesn't surprise me that he isn't into kink."

"Not quite. However, I'm not too sure he would be comfortable with me talking about our sex life with you. He would not hear the end of it."

"I'm not that mean." Wanda raised her eyebrow. "Okay, fair point."

"Miss Maximoff, Ms Potts is returning from her meeting and should be arriving in four minutes approximately," JARVIS announced.

"Ah, my cue to exit," Wanda said standing up.

"Have you gained weight?" Tony asked.

"Really? Are you asking that question?"

"Something just seems different in the way you look."

"Well, have fun," Wanda said turning to the door.

"Are you just going to leave me here!"

"Yes! You got yourself into this!"

"I might be inclined to agree sir," said JARVIS.

"Mute."


	5. Alarm

Chapter Five

"You do know you will have to pay a fine for us having to send out a SWAT team?" asked the police chief. Someone had pressed the panic alarm button that was only meant for the event of a hostage.

"I'm sure it was just an accident and we'll deal with the person who did it," Pepper explained.

"I should hope so. It could have prevented us to go to an actual emergency."

Once the police had left, Pepper turned to the group behind her with a look that brought fear even to Thor, "Okay, who pressed the panic button?"

"Not me," said various employees.

"Well, security are going to look for which of the four buttons were pressed and then were going to look through the cameras to see who did it. Serious consequences will occur for whoever did it if they cannot bring up a good explanation."

"Oh crap," Wanda thought.

"Okay, back inside, fun is over."

"I wonder what sort of consequences Pep has in store," Tony commented wondering beside Wanda.

"Um, probable firing and maybe murder," Wanda replied nervously.

"Well, I feel sorry for that guy."

"Or woman."

"Of course. It could just as easily be a woman."

"I know it was a woman."

"How?"

"It was me. I might have set the alarm off."

"Okay, you and I need to get some coffee."

"I cannot drink coffee remember," Wanda said pointing to the prominent bump that was poking out of her blazer.

"Whatever, we'll get you something the coffee shop sells that has no caffeine in."

-o-

"I dropped something under Pepper's desk and there was a big red button. I was curious as to why there was a red button so I pressed it expecting something to happen. Nothing happened so I got back to work until the SWAT team came," Wanda explained eventually sipping the pressed juice drink.

"You do know that when you see a giant red buttons you should not press them?" Tony said. Wanda raised her eyebrow, "Okay that was once, and I did not know that would blow up the spaceship."

"It was a good thing that thing had a timer or else we would have been fried chicken. Which by the way, you still owe Clint a chicken."

"I'll get to it. That will be his Christmas present. So, what are you going to do?"

"I don't know, I think she is going to work out who did it anyway so I may as well wait for the inevitable."

"Could you not just say it was an accident?"

"Yeah, because I 'accidently' pushed that button? Maybe my stupid pregnant brain could be an excuse, and I really should not be stressed out right now. At least that was what my doctor told me after my health scare."

"Right, stay here. I'll be right back."

"Where are you going?"

"Bathroom."

-o-

"Pep, can you and I have a word?"

"Not now Tony, I am not up to my eyeballs in it today," said Pepper.

"I may have accidently set off the panic alarm."

"What?"

"I dropped a cheese puff under your desk while you were in a meeting and I hit my head off the underside. I must have hit the panic button and I am sorry."

"Why did you not say anything when I asked who did it?"

"I did not want to be that idiot."

"You still are that idiot," Pepper sighed.

"So… What are you going to do with me?"

"Well, seeing as it was an accident, the most I can do is make you pay the fine for the SWAT team."

"That does not sound so bad."

"I have a much worse punishment in mind."

In slight fear, Tony walked backwards out of the office.


End file.
